I am grateful for those moments of reprieve–when a broken, grief-stricken heart doesn’t hurt quite so much.
I am grateful for friends who willingly do stupid stuff with me.
I am grateful that the Universe loves me and wants me to be happy. And that the Universe loves you and wants you to be happy, too.
I am grateful for the rainbow-colored smoke, confetti, and cheers that erupted in Melbourne… because Australia voted “YES” in favor of same-sex marriage.
The results of a two-month national postal survey, in which 79.5% of the population participated (damn, rock the vote!), came out with 61.6% in favor of legalizing same-sex marriage.
It’s a non-binding postal survey, so now it is in the hands of the Parliament of Australia to ratify marriage equality into law.
Australia Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said, “They voted ‘yes’ for fairness, they voted ‘yes’ for commitment, they voted ‘yes’ for love.”
They voted for equal protection under the law, which stands as a vote against hateful rhetoric and against a system that relegates same-sex relationships as less than.
Article originally appeared in Hope & Comfort, Fall 2016 Newsletter – Survivors of Suicide Loss
When my brother died by suicide, my heart broke. I felt something inside me shatter. At first I existed in survival mode. Able to stand, even speak, at the memorial. Though that soon wore off, and in its wake there was a rawness, an ache, an emptiness inside of me, or what was left of me. My heart literally hurt.
My heart wasn’t actually broken, medically speaking, but a broken heart is a real thing. It’s called Broken Heart Syndrome (also known as stress-induced cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy). The American Heart Association tells us that: “In broken heart syndrome, a part of your heart temporarily enlarges and doesn’t pump well, while the rest of your heart functions normally.” They assure us that broken heart syndrome is “usually treatable.”
Treatable: right. In the beginning nothing about my broken heart felt treatable. It wasn’t a clean break down the middle. It wasn’t the kind of break that heals quickly or perfectly. My heart was shattered. It was covered in fractures and fissures.
As the months turned into years, I found that my heart was healing. In its own way, in its own time. I won’t say I am grateful for the pain I endured, but I am grateful for the gifts and growth that was born from the pain.
When my heart was split open, I began to put things inside of it. I carefully placed a piece of my brother into my heart, so I knew he’d always be there. Into one of the cracks I put gratitude for the life lessons my big brother taught me, then I stitched around it, closing that one fissure. Into one of the fractures I tucked away a kind of compassion I had never known, because I had both endured and witnessed pain no words can describe. I used a cross-stitch to secure the newfound compassion in place, filling in that one fracture.
This process went on. I sewed memories of Joey into my heart. I stitched in a greater ability to let go, some grit and tenacity, the ability to laugh again. I stitched in acceptance, empathy, joy, hope, and as much love as my heart could hold. When I couldn’t get the stitch right, I had friends who would cover sewing duty for me. When the sutures wouldn’t hold, I had friends to give me Dermabond skin glue.
As I put each new thing into my heart, it grew fuller, it began to mend piece-by-piece, fractures and fissures healed. It was no longer broken, though it was permanently altered. It was rebuilt and in some ways stronger than before. But my heart is covered in scars, with some wisdom tucked into the wounds that will never quite heal. It isn’t the same, but it is whole.
We always have an opportunity to make something positive out of even the most horrific situations. We are each on our own grief journey. We will heal in our own way, in our own time. I would never say that we can “move on,” but we can move forward. We can rebuild some of what was broken and we can create something new in the empty spaces.
When my brother died by suicide, my heart broke; but it didn’t just break apart, it broke wide open. Though so much was taken away, space was opened up to add more. Now I try to live my life with presence and intent. I try to live with compassion and kindness. I try to live well as an homage to Joey… because he lives on in my heart.
I am grateful for yet another reason to love Steph Curry.
“Let’s use our platforms, and take this day, to talk about how we can be louder than all of this silence — and quieter than all of this noise.”
https://www.theplayerstribune.com/stephen-curry-veterans-day/
Day 12: I am grateful for people who stick around even when that stick is difficult. None of us are easy to love wholeheartedly all of the time. We hurt those we love, they hurt us. This truth is love’s incongruity, her cruelest piece―by design the ones we love are most heavily armed to cause the most damage. I suppose that is the price we pay for meaningful, beyond-surface, authentic human connection.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi
“Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love. ” – Unknown
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh
“To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. ” – Albus Dumbledore
“But God hath promised strength for the day―Rest for the labor, light for the way―Grace for the trials, help from above―Unfailing sympathy, undying love. ” – Annie Johnson Flint
… strength for the journey, love & light for the way.
Day 11: I am grateful for a Facebook “Memory” from 6 years ago.
The Wish I shared on November 11, 2011:
My 11/11/11 @ 11:11 Wish/Prayer/Meditation:
When a loved one passes away, it can leave us and our family feeling less than whole, even for many years after the loss. It is my Hope/Wish that this Holiday season families and individuals who have lost loved ones can begin to feel whole again, begin to feel somewhat healed, and to share smiles from warm memories in places of tears. Light & Love, 11/11/11.
Day 10: I am grateful for this evening – and chill.
Day 9: I am grateful for the freaks, the weirdos, the people who do it their own way. I see you; I celebrate you.
You can find me standing on the corner of Billie Joe ideology and Robert Frost canonism.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”– Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken
“A guy walks up to me and asks “What’s Punk?”
So I kick over a garbage can and say “That’s Punk!”
So he kicks over a garbage can and says “That’s Punk?” and I say “No, that’s trendy!”
– Billie Joe Armstrong, Rock God