Category: Monday Morning Musing

You have been conditioned to ask for permission.

As a child, you were taught to ask permission to play outside, to eat a snack before dinner, to stay up late. You may have even had to ask permission to go to the bathroom. By the time I got to high school I found this patently offensive.

As an adult, you are still asking permission. You ask employers permission to leave work early to perform in an ice skating recital, or to use paid vacation days to skip town to swim with sea turtles. You ask your partner permission to get drunk and stay out all night, or depending on your partner, maybe even ask permission to make out with strangers.

While I am a huge advocate for people doing whatever the hell they want (with the caveat to do no harm to others), I do not dispute the value in asking others for permission to take certain actions. Seems like a valid part of the social contract.

However, I question how far our permission-seeking conditioning bleeds beyond what is healthy.

People have a funky way of holding back in profound ways.

Could part of this be that we feel we need permission to BE certain ways, and that permission is not readily granted?

Do I reign in my awesomeness because I need permission to be awesome? 

Do men reign in their love of salmon-colored shirts and glitter because they do not have permission to like something deemed feminine? 

Do women pretend that they don’t understand algebra or that they can’t change a tire because they do not have permission to have abilities deemed masculine? 

Does a 13-year-old growing into her own body have permission to think she is beautiful, without being judged as arrogant?

Do you play it safe, play it small, reign it in, hold back… because you don’t feel you have permission to do, be, and have all that you desire? 

If so, who or what can grant permission? As with so many things, I believe the answer lies within. We each have the power to grant ourselves the permission we seek (or, alternatively to decide that we do not need permission).

Say YES to yourself. Love that glittery salmon shirt. Scoff at that flat tire. Tell yourself how beautiful you are. Go ahead and BE awesome.

In fact, let’s take this whole permission-granting thing to another level…

Give yourself permission to overcome your doubts and fears. Permission to let go of the past. Permission to LET GO of what no longer serves you. Permission to not give a fu*ck what people think of you.

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable & honest. Permission to forgive yourself. Permission to forgive someone else. Permission to fail. Permission to be sad, angry, or hurt. Permission to move forward, to be happy. Permission to heal. Permission to FEEL. Permission to be great. To shine. To stand in the sun.

Permission to BE Bold.

Permission to BE YOU. Permission to RISE.

“When you take charge of your life there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life.” – Geoffrey F. Abert

“Don’t look for society to give you permission to be yourself.” – Dr. Steve Maraboli

“You don’t need anyone else’s permission to be happy. Your life is magnificent not because someone says it is, but because you choose to see it as such.” – Ralph Marston

Say it with me: “It is okay for me to lose my shit!”  Shower sing it loud and proud. Scream it in your car. Adopt it like it’s a 3-legged kitten. Own it like it’s a fuck*ing bonged-beer in 4-seconds flat.

Seriously, it is okay for you to lose your shit. Crack wide open, break apart. Ooze something awful. Let it out, fully and completely.

Now, I do not mean to lose your shit on another human, maybe not even in the vicinity of another human, depending on whether or not your friends suck. Take heed: it is not okay to lose your shit on another human. It is, however, okay to feel what is real, to release, to have a bad day, or week, or month. It is okay to throw your hands up and lose it.

It is also okay to:

Give yourself permission to spin into full panic mode.

To confess that you are losing your shit, or that you have lost your shit.

To not pretend that you have not lost your shit.

To cry in the car for a full 20-minutes on the way to your destination, wipe away the tears, then hold your head high and pretend that didn’t just happen.

To ugly-cry while wrapped up into a tiny ball on the kitchen floor.

To completely check out, butt cheeks cemented to couch, staring at a spot on the wall for hours.

It is okay to… let go of control. It is okay to not be sure of what you’re doing with your life. It is also okay to confess that you’re not really sure. It is okay to be afraid, to be uncertain, to push forward on shaky knees. But push forward you will.

It is okay to lose your shit. Trust yourself. You will in fact re-claim your shit. You’ll pull it together when the time is right. The bent pieces will mend. The E6000-glued-back-together pieces will be stronger. The broken pieces will make for better stories. You will Phoenix. You will RISE.

“How can you rise, if you have not burned?” – Hiba Fatima Ahmad

“Phoenixes burst into flame when it is time for them to die and are reborn from the ashes.” – Albus Dumbledore

“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means that you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” – Unknown

The lion has come to represent strength, boldness, and power. The eagle represents freedom. A butterfly a symbol of  transformation. Be bold, be a lion. Be yourself, soar like an eagle. Be comfortable with change, embrace the plight of the butterfly. This is all decent advice. A bit trite, but decent nonetheless.

But the squirrel… skittish, shy, weak, a prey animal. Squirrels are flawed; however, squirrels get sh*it done in the face of these flaws. Squirrels are survivors.

Squirrels live strategically, with intent, with a through-line. Well in advance of winter, they begin to store nuts. Knowing that food-scarcity is coming, squirrels plan ahead. Scavenging for food for the day and future days, all the while dodging cars, cats, and other threats to life and limb.

Adding to the brilliance, some squirrels even “scatter hoard,” hiding food in many different locations. If another animal steals their food, the squirrel has another stash. Squirrels are strategic survivors.

The squirrel-stash was not built in a day. The squirrel was patient and dedicated to the cause, one nut at a time. Our fury friend took daily action, however small, in furtherance of its future needs. Squirrels are purposeful, strategic survivors.

Be a squirrel.

“Callie: Everything’s going to be fine, you guys. We just have to be squirrels about this.

Jackson: Couldn’t have heard you correctly there.

Callie: Oh, you know, squirrels — they store nuts for the winter, right? But they don’t do      it all at once. They do it one nut at a time. Everyone has their part to play, so everything      just needs to handle their own nut. We do that, we get all the nuts.”

– Grey’s Anatomy, Season 12, Ep. 13, All Eyez on Me

“The mystery of lie is not a problem to be solved. It is a reality to be experienced.” – Art van der Leeuw

Recently I was taking a trip. I fancy myself the kind of person who writes while traveling. Journal the day’s adventures, ooze some Salinger-style brilliance as I guzzle piña coladas poolside. While the perfect prose don’t actually ooze out of me while on vacay, I continue to pack my laptop with the best of intentions.

I also fancy myself the kind of person who can board a plane carrying a simple sack. Just toss in an ID, cash, my phone, Kindle, iPod, and a bottle of xanax: good to go. In reality I shove those things into a purse that could fit two bowling balls and a Maine Coon cat, then toss in two dozen other things I may or may not need. Heaven forbid I am away from four shades of tan eye shadow for the full duration of a five-hour flight.

The laptop won’t fit in this simple sack, of course. So it warrants its own carry-on bag. By “bag,” I mean a near-full-sized suitcase measuring the full specs allowed by the airline. I fancy myself the kind of person who can minimalist-pack, proud to have exactly one pair of underwear for each day of travel. In reality, I count out one pair of underwear for each day, then add not less than three more. I grab a dozen tank tops for a 6-day trip. I lay out 2 bras,  plus a sports bra, and stick-on bra, for a tropical trip in which I have set the goal to not wear a bra at all.

Once the goods for a 6-month stay abroad are laid out for my 6-night domestic trip, it is evident that the carry-on is necessary avec or sans laptop anyway. So much for the simple sack lifestyle.

But this trip, this trip was going to be different! I had planned to purchase a tablet with keyboard to be my prolific-traveling-self. This 10-inch, two-pound gem was to be thrown into my simple sack, thrown over my shoulder, and proudly toted through the airport without a carry-on-rolly-bag in sight.

I picked out the perfect little machine. I had the funds. I had over a week before I hopped on that plane, braless, simple sack in hand. However, the Universe had other plans. Not less than four times my attempt to purchase the tablet were foiled. These foiled attempts ranged from a capricious $70.00 increase in price to being treated like a criminal when trying to use a Visa gift card as tender. On or about the time of the fourth thwarted attempt, I accepted that the Universe simply did not want me to procure this tablet before I skipped town.

Just as well. I guzzled piña coladas and made a concerted effort to wear two tank tops each day. Each time I opened my laptop to vacay-write, which I did for the first time ever, I chalked up the sans-tablet writing up to a humorous life lessons on trusting the Universe.

Despite my foiled efforts pre-vacay, a few weeks after my return I popped over to Amazon to order the elusive tablet. The price was right. My Visa gift card had almost enough funds on it to cover the cost of the tablet and the few other random Amazon-awesomeness items in my shopping cart. I wasn’t even treated like a criminal while using the Visa gift card as payment!

Order confirmed! Finally! … but wait, the gift card did not have adequate funds to cover the entire cost of the order. There was not an option to pay for the remaining balance with another card. Oy. By the morning it was yet another thwarted attempt: your payment method has been declined.

I had come too far to give up. I called Amazon. Surely customer service could help me use two payment methods for one order. I patiently waited on hold for ten minutes. My hopes were once again dashed when I was told: “The system will not let me use two credit cards…”

Sigh. Okay Universe, I get it.

Then she went on to say: “… but I see you’ve been a loyal customer for a long time. I’m going to decrease the cost of your order so you can pay with just the gift card.”

With a $60.00 decrease in price my new tablet arrived on my doorstep 2-days later.

It would have been easy to overlook the lesson in this relatively insignificant experience. Fortunately, each thwarted effort was just so ridiculous I felt it could not be for naught.

A big lesson in trusting the Universe and Its mysterious ways encompassed in humorous experiences. A gift beyond all measure.

An opportunity to confront my over-packing habit. I hold out hope that the next time I board a plane it is with only a simple sack and a sh*it-eating grin.

“I trust the ebb and flow of the universe. I trust that lies bigger than what I can see. I trust that there is a divine order beyond my control. And I trust that no matter what happens, I will be alright.” – Oprah Winfrey

“Everything in the universe has a rhythm. Everything dances.” – Maya Angelou

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu

 Indeed… yet that first step is the most difficult to take.

For me, this rings true across the board – from taking out that first plate from a clean dishwasher, to putting on workout clothes, to writing the first word of this musing. Small examples of a larger problem.

Consider the difficulty in starting a larger endeavor. Maybe something you have a burning desire to create, or something you have a long-standing desire to do, an endeavor that you truly care about. With all that passion backing the cause, why then would getting started prove to be such a challenge?

Standing at the precipice of a Great Beginning my inner-perfectionist takes hold. I demand excellence. I want the end-product to be great. I want the end-result to be a reflection of the vision. So, I do not begin.

Is that not the best lie you have ever heard? I did not begin a project I am passionate about, because I want it to be perfect. Brendon Burchard, personal development guru, coined this the “perfectionist lie,” and calls it the “prettiest excuse.”

At its root, the perfectionist lie is a pretty mask for fear, uncertainty, and distraction.

Fear of failure, fear of success (in an odd twist, I have learned that both the fear of failure and fear of success can live happily – exhaustingly – side-by-side in my head), fear of being judged, fear of finding out that I’m not as good as I think I am. Uncertain about how to begin, uncertain of my ability, uncertain if this passion-fueled endeavor is even the right path. Distracted by tasks of the day, distracted by the needs or wants of others, distracted by the intoxicating pleasure of wasting life on my Facebook news feed.

Wow,  that is some powerful mental crap.

Here’s the deal: fear is not going away, you may never be certain, there will always be distractions. Move forward anyway. Choose to be okay with feeling fear and uncertainty. Manage distractions.  Break up with excuses. Step bravely and boldly into your Great Beginning. Time is a finite resource, now is the time to begin.

Not perfect? Fine. How about it is done?

Take a single action. Begin.

“We at some point have to take ownership of our lives and realize that it is not because we’re pretty and we’re perfect, it is because we are scared and our lives are messy, and we haven’t got control of it yet. So this day, let’s start that, let’s be okay with the fear, let’s be okay with the fact that everything is going to be messy, but at least begin. At least complete it. Because nothing is perfected anyway, until it is completed. First it has to be completed, then we can tinker and tweak it, and perfect it.” – Brendon Burchard

The flow, aka the zone, is ” the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity.” (trusted source: Wikipedia).

That glorious place where magic happens: in the flow.

Have you ever snapped out of Flow and wondered where the hell the hours have gone? After many hours of labor or skill, expecting to be exhausted, but instead feeling energized, buzzing, feeling alive. Flow is a place where we can create, complete, progress. Essentially, Flow is the place where we make sh*it happen.

We unwittingly fall into Flow, how can we intentionally cultivate Flow? Perhaps by examining the times we re-emerged from Flow, we may be able to pinpoint a specific thing that fosters Flow. Or, perhaps there is a through line for each of us to fall into our own Flow.

I examined my Flow and uncovered two through lines. My Flow comes from either: doing an activity that I truly and deeply enjoy; or, being up against a deadline, after procrastinating as long as possible, and having no other option than to just get sh*it done.

I can get lost on the ice for hours, or lost meandering through a good book. Or lost in a project with a looming deadline, knowing that the rush of completing the task in the nick of time will feel worth the stress inherent in the time spent procrastinating.

“Let the natural flow of the universe, course through your being, and harmonize your soul.” – Ram Dass

“Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.” – Louis L’Amour

BEYOND THE “As SOON AS…” Have you ever put off something that you wanted to do on the altar of “as soon as…“?

As soon as I lose weight, I will buy a sparkly ice skating dress and enter a competition. As soon as I am thinner, I will buy a new bathing suit (even though my current one has not fit well for two vacations). As soon as my email inbox is empty, I will write the book that has been pent-up in my soul for years.

I am guilty.

Using the “as soon as…” as an excuse to not be, do, or have the things we desire in life, can serve as fertile soil for perceived chronic failure.

For example, I did not start eating well and exercising on Monday… or the Monday after that… or the Monday after that. I did not lose weight, so I did not buy the Swarovski-blinged dress. Sans the dress, I did not enter the ice skating competition.

That happened: more than once.

Then the “fu*ck it” moment happened. I wanted the fun-times with skating friends and the cheesy gold medal more than I wanted to avoid the perceived pain of putting myself out there.

I entered the competition. I ordered the dress. I prayed it would arrive in the mail on time and that it would actually fit… ish. I competed. I had an awesome time. On a pre-selected Monday, I started an at-home daily workout routine. I stuck with it and finished it: more than once. Then on a random day of the week, I made healthier food choices… and I did the same the day after that, and the day after that.

I released over 30-pounds. I have a shelf full of medals and trophies, and a closet full of sparkly ice skating dresses. But the most important piece: I have awesome memories of shared experiences with skating friends. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime.

Do the thing you want to do. Do the thing that scares you.

RISE above your “as soon as…”

“Let go of the you that you want to be and just love yourself right now.”

– Mary Gustafson

Have you ever snapped out of a long, focused, productive work session and wondered “what the hell am I doing?” Wondering what the hell you’re working toward, wondering if the blood, sweat, and literal tears are making a difference at all.

I’ve had more of these moments than I care to lament over. Fortunately it often worked out that just as I was ready to tell the world to go fu*ck itself (in a kind, diplomatic way of course, sans the use of curse words), someone would step forward with words of gratitude and a “thank you for the work you do.”

In those moments I was empowered to move beyond the questioning, past the frustration, and rest resolute in the meaning in my work. Content with positively affecting the life of one person: because one person is enough.

On a day-to-day basis we may not be changing the entire world, but we can and do change a small part of it. Stay the course, because what we do matters. Shine brightly, because someone needs your light.

One starfish at a time…

The Starfish Story

Once upon a time, there was an old man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach every morning before he began his work. Early one morning, he was walking along the shore after a big storm had passed and found the vast beach littered with starfish as far as the eye could see, stretching in both directions.

Off in the distance, the old man noticed a small boy approaching. As the boy walked, he paused every so often and as he grew closer, the man could see that he was occasionally bending down to pick up an object and throw it into the sea. The boy came closer still and the man called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young boy paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean. The tide has washed them up onto the beach and they can’t return to the sea by themselves,” the youth replied. “When the sun gets high, they will die, unless I throw them back into the water.”

The old man replied, “But there must be tens of thousands of starfish on this beach. I’m afraid you won’t really be able to make much of a difference.”

The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it as far she could into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, “It made a difference to that one!” – adapted from The Star Thrower, by Loren Eiseley

“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”

– Jane Goodall

“The only constant is change.” – Heraclitus

Life changes. Some changes are small, incremental, barely noticeable until 20/20 hindsight kicks in. Some changes are huge, life-altering… monumental, holy sh*it this is a wild ride kind of monumental.

Ready or not, here it comes: a big fat fire set in the middle of your life. You know the kind of fire I am talking about — so rapid and bright that you don’t have time to consider if the fast-paced changes are good or bad, or so smoky you can barely breath, or so hot that your skin could crawl right off of your body.

Sometimes we set the fire ourselves, other times the fire is set for us. I think the human instinct, ever focused on survival, is to frantically douse water on the flames. If not to stop the fire, at least to mitigate the damage. In many situations that is probably the best course of action.

However, maybe there are times when letting it all burn is right. Hell, maybe some fires should be fueled.

It is easy to get stuck. To continually compromise. To stay. To stick with something – a job, a situation, a person, notions of the self – out of fear, obligation, complacency. Or, an unwillingness to throw in the towel, the steadfast refusal to declare “I quit.”

At times what once worked for us, what served us, is no longer right. And that is okay. If it isn’t right, consider letting it go – letting it burn… right down to the foundation. This doesn’t feel right is the only explanation necessary. Within you is the Power & Permission to walk away. The human spirit can rebuild damn near anything. Rebuild it better, stronger, exactly the way you want it.

Simply put: sometimes you just have to Move the Fu*ck On.

“Sometimes you have to get a little messed up before you can step up.”  – Grey’s Anatomy, Dr. Alex Karev

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”  – Joseph Campbell

“People look at you strange, say ‘you changed,’ as if you worked that hard to stay the same.”  – Jay Z

New Year’s resolutions don’t work. I could throw in some research here and here to convince you of this platitude, but you already know it’s true.

So, let’s ditch the idea that we’re going to lose 20-pounds, that we’re going to work out five days a week, that we’re going to eat kale instead of chips, that we’re going to use a refillable water bottle instead of buying bottled water — wait, let’s definitely go with the refillable water bottle — but let’s definitely ditch the old notions of New Year’s Resolutions.

In the past few years a new kind of resolution was born, an un-resolution, if you will. The idea is to pick a word for the year.

This one word serves as an intention, and acts as a mantra of sorts. The word is meant to inspire you and be a reminder of the positive changes you want to manifest in your life.

Now that is beautiful.

This trend is taking foot! You can head over to oneword365.com to find your one word brothers & sisters! 

I feel innately connected to the power of 3, so I chose 3 words to be my 2016 guiding lights.

My 2016 Guiding Words o’Wisdom: Health, Grit, ME

 The first two were obvious choices given my health-and-wellness-focused-weight-shedding Journey circa 2014 & 2015.

Health: Continue on the Journey. Make the healthy choices. BE healthy.

Grit: Persevere. Just Do It.

ME: Do what you need to do for you. Make Sh*it Happen.

 I chose “ME” as an intention and my final guiding word because truth be told, I didn’t do a good job of being a good friend to me in 2015. I had set an intention to focus on “being a better friend,” and in that I lost a bit of myself. A bit I am ready to reclaim.

So, these three words will serve as intentions and guides for all that I do in 2016.

What word will you choose to be your great guiding light of 2016?