Category: Monday Morning Musing Page 2 of 3

The first time I learned about meditation that actually resonated with me was on walking meditation. Prior to that, I couldn’t rationalize the idea of thinking about nothing. I had tried to meditate only to find sitting on the floor rather uncomfortable, or, when I was comfortable “meditation” became nappy-time. I also found that my mind raced with thoughts. As quickly as I remembered that I was trying  to meditate and suppressed a thought, another one would fly in, even more interesting and irrelevant than the last.

Later I learned that meditation is less about suppressing thoughts and more about allowing them to waft in, acknowledge them, detach, and let them waft along their way. Later still, I learned that mindfully watching and letting go of our thoughts can lead us to devalue our thoughts. Relegating our inner dialogue or inner screen as a mere distraction can downgrade important parts of who we are. Alas, one of many meditation quandaries.

I would be remiss not to listicle the known benefits of meditation. Studies show the practice of meditation can: prevent disease, reduce inflammation, effectively treat depression, increase happiness. Up next: studies explore the effects of meditation on prevention, or at least the slowing down, of aging in the brain.

I can’t say I have perfected my meditation craft, but I have come to recognize that what works for each person requires exploring, willingness, and an openness to the journey.

The notion of walking meditation resonated with me because it not just allows for movement, but calls for it. It also calls for time spent in nature – or, at least time spent not on the couch or slumped in a cubicle. I have found walking meditation to fit well into my life – the cornerstone of actually sticking with something. Sometimes my walking meditation happens over miles of ocean, other times it happens during the span of a parking lot. Park at the back of the lot, of course – it burns more calories and gives you a moment to drop in.

In a walking meditation stay present in the moment. Focus, drop in. Tune into your body, drop into the sensation of putting one foot in front of the other, the ebb and flow of your hip flexors, the rise and fall of your diaphragm.

Propel your body forward with the goal of relaxation, letting-go, or clearing your head – any of these can absolutely be a form of meditation. The most beneficial aspect is to be fully present. To be here, now. Well, really – be there, then.

Masters, teachers, senseis can tell us what meditation is and what it is not. Yet, for any of us to garner the benefits of meditation, we must practice it in a way that works for us.

Just begin. Take time to be fully present. Take time to notice, appreciate, and honor the moment: the simplicity of the moment. For as long as you breath: you are a vibrant creature, alive with pure energy, and there are no ordinary moments.

“Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” – Hermann Hesse

“All methods of meditation are nothing but methods to help you to remember the art of Let-Go. I say remember, because you knew it already. And you know it still, but that knowledge is being repressed by the society.” – Osho

“The thing about meditation is: you become more and more you.” – David Lynch

One of the greatest acts of kindness is to hold space for another human. It is a tenet of true friendship. To hold space for another is to walk alongside them on whatever journey they are on, without judgment and without trying to fix them or the situation. It is the truest act of support: to be there for someone without trying to impact the outcome.

Holding space isn’t always easy. Vain attempts to play savior are easy. Doling out advice is simpler still. The prevailing human tendency is to try to fix people. But people are not broken. They simply need a safe harbor.

People need a place to go where they will not be judged. Space where they will not be shamed or made to feel inadequate. To hold space for another means to be this place. To be fully present and actively listen, and maybe to not even respond. To offer gentle guidance only if necessary. Never uttering an “if I were you,” or a “you shouldn’t.”

Holding space means you allow the other person to make decisions on their own, even when they are not the decisions you would make. Holding space means supporting someone’s decisions, even when you don’t agree. It means supporting someone’s decision, even when their decisions adversely affect you. It means not judging them for the forks they choose or the way they’re walking their journey.

To the Atlases who bear the weight of the world for others — sometimes you must shrug. The strongest of space holders need space held for them, too. We all need a place where we can be weak. Where we can be honest, real, and raw. A space to rip off masks, let our confidence waiver, let our false and tired egos fall to the floor. A place where we can fail.

This place of vulnerability is also a place where we can be known, be fully seen. Where we can step into our own power. A place where another person can see our vision too, without judgment of what we can or can’t accomplish. A space where another human can simply be excited for us, without motive and with nothing to gain.

Safety may be illusory, but love and trust are not. There is no greater act of love than to hold space for another. There is no greater act of trust than to allow space to be held for you.

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” – Pericles

“I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people:

that each should stand ground over the solitude of the other.”

– Rainer Maria Rilke

Not to be all “we’re born alone, we die alone,” but the truth is you are the only one who can be relied upon to show up for you. This isn’t a bad thing. This doesn’t mean that your friends and family suck (though they might). This means that the impetus is on you to show up for yourself, and show up fully every day.

Besides, no one else can truly show up for you the way you can. You are the one who knows you  best. You are the one who knows what you need, when you need it, and how you need it.

Your closest confidant may be well-equipped to support you after a crap-tastic day. Your cousin/best friend/sister you’re glad you never had may be perfectly versed in how to best celebrate your life’s accomplishments. She may also know exactly when you need to hear “fuck that bitch” and be handed a drink. Your gay best friend forever (hereinafter referred to as “GBFF“) may know exactly when to wrap you in his arms when your cat is diagnosed with kidney disease, and the exact moment to let go before you completely crumble into a pool of tears.

But as well as your support system can support you, they cannot bear the entire weight.

Further, the people best equipped to show up for us, to support us, are also the ones best set up to let us down. The people we love hurt us. We hurt the people we love. This is love’s harshest truth.

It is in those moments when you don’t get the supportive words you need, or the “congratulations!” you expect, when you’re let down, disappointed, or downright hurt by the people who are “supposed” to support you best, in those moments, you have to show up for yourself.

Extend your arms wide open for you. Give yourself the huge hug you desperately need. Do what you need to do for you. Bear your own weight, catch yourself, be there for you. Land on your own two feet or sprout your very own wings. You’ve got this.

A Contract Among Comrades

You can’t meet all of my needs, and I can’t meet all of yours. So, let’s agree to show up for one another as best we can, in the best way possible for each other. Within this, let’s agree to honor our own boundaries and take care of our own needs.

I agree to show up for me; you agree to show up for you.

Then, in the spaces and places where we are equipped to show up for each other – there we can hold hands and hug-it-out to help fuel our respective journeys forward.

“To thine own self be true…” – William Shakespeare

“Results will show up when you do.” – Jill Koenig

“Let people do what they need to do to make them happy. Mind your own business, and do what you need to do to make you happy.” – Leon Brown

“No situation can have a nature independent of the perception of its interpreter or independent of the rhetoric with which he chooses to characterize it.” – Richard E. Vatz, The Myth of the Rhetorical Situation

If Vatz is correct, then events have no objective meaning in themselves. Meaning is only ascribed once a situation is observed and filtered through a person’s perceptions.

I believe that all things have energy, that all things are energy. Of course tangible items like places, buildings, rooms, cats, have their own energy. Consider also that thoughts, feelings, vibes man, situations, events, et al. have their own energy as well. The sovereignty of an energetic stamp may grant everything its own objective meaning. I have no idea. This might be akin to the whole tree falls in the forest, no one is around, does it make a sound thought experiment.

Beyond any objective meaning that may or may not exist, we assign our own meaning to the situations in our lives.

Whoa – that’s a powerful assertion. We assign the meaning, positive or negative, to the situations in our lives.

When something bad happens, like losing a job, enduring a breakup, gaining 8-pounds because of that once-kicked, now-resurrected cupcake addiction, we get to choose the meaning of the situation. Losing a job can be taxing, but it could also mean a long-awaited opportunity to switch careers. Breakups suck, no doubt; however, the meaning you choose could be that ripped-wide-open, safe-haven, you-are-literally-a-piece-of-my-soul Love awaits on the post-healing horizon.

Basically, we can spin absolute sh*it into gold.

You have the power to choose the meaning of the things that happen in your life.

You have the power to reject the notion that bad things happen to you.

You have the power to assign a silver lining to any situation.

You have the power to ascribe positive meaning to your life’s events, and where you cannot find any positive meaning, you can create positive meaning. The choice is yours.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“The most powerful things we have in our lives is choice.” – Edgar Papke

“Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human.” – Viktor E. Frankl

I hold this truth to be self-evident:

When we reside in a place of gratitude, the world changes.

“The root of joy is gratefulness…

It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” – David Steindl-Rast

I believe gratitude is a key ingredient to emotional and spiritual health & wellness. Gratitude is the cornerstone for a healthy mind, body, heart, and soul.

Yes, there is a but coming…

But it is okay to not be grateful.

Wait… what? You tout gratitude as the best thing since Betty White, orcas, and a 33% lighter figure skating blade… and now you’re reneging? WTH? 

Yes, it is okay to not be grateful – sometimes.

Focusing on the positive, coming from a place of gratitude, focusing on opportunities for growth, finding the silver lining, if you will, are wonderful traits. These are powerful lessons. I contend the aforementioned lay the path to a life well lived.

However, there are times when negative emotions can get the better of us: and maybe we can be comfortable letting them. I tout gratitude, but not as a method to stuff down “negative” emotions or as a weapon against “negative” feelings.

You are entitled to your feelings. You have a right to your feelings.

Living under a self-imposed mandate of “I should feel this way,” or “I shouldn’t feel that way,” may actually be a recipe for inauthenticity.

It is okay to feel and express anger, to get pissed, to rage, to rally. It is okay to shout a battle cry of condemnation against what you perceive has wronged you.

Sweeping everything under the rug is not a solution. Do not silence your emotions on the altar of forced-gratitude or an insincere-focus on positivity. Even when your emotions are ungrateful, thankless, unappreciative – let it out.

Caveat: See It Is Okay to Lose Your Shit. “Take heed: it is not okay to lose your shit on another human. It is, however, okay to feel what is real, to release, to have a bad day, or week, or month. It is okay to throw your hands up and lose it.”

There is another but coming…

But for the love of all things great: DO NOT PIDDLE ON THE PITY POTTY.

Leave the laments once you’ve expressed yourself.  Let it out, then Move the Fu*ck On.

Return back to a place of gratitude. Return back to your core, your heart and soul, back to your true nature.

Give thanks for the lesson, even if it was anger, be grateful for what it taught you. Maybe you learned something about life, yourself, perhaps about another person.

It is okay to not be grateful – sometimes.

But then suck in a deep breath, embrace the power you have to choose your reactions, remember who you are and who you want to be. Then find that place inside of you that is grateful for the opportunities for growth inherent in disappointments, frustrations, in pain, hurt, and anger. Embody the Alchemist inside of you who transmutes the bad into good, the negatives into positives, the sh*it into gold.

“Sometimes painful things can teach us lessons that we didn’t think we needed to know.” – Amy Poehler

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” – John F. Kennedy

Ego is not a dirty word.  Freud’s enduring notion on ego pitches it as pleasure-seeking, yet rational.* Structured, solution-oriented, process-driven. Ego considers etiquette and social pressures. The ego has decision making power. It is the governing body of your personality.

A robust ego is a badass. It can keep us safe. When life, lemons, and ass*hats shake us to the core, a hearty ego keeps the foundation intact. An ego that reminds itself that “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me” is an ego that serves as its own superhero.

Oddly, we’re not allowed to celebrate a healthy ego. We are taught the importance of self-esteem and told to be confident; simultaneously, we are directed to avoid conceit and taught that pride is a sin.

How can one toe this line of conflicting messages?

I am supposed to believe in myself, but I am not supposed to be proud of my achievements?

We live in a world full of people who deflect a sincere compliment instead of saying “thank you.” A world full of I’m-Sorry-Sallys incessantly apologizing for everything: for asking questions, for interrupting and intruding, for needing something, basically apologizing for existing. A world full of Give-Away-Power-Peters cultivating the modest and meek, deferring, relinquishing.

This cannot be serving the highest good of humanity.

I do not dispute that ego can be a dirty word: egomaniac, egomaniacal, egotism. I concur that an ego the size of Texas does not serve the highest good of humanity either. I certainly do not support self-important, arrogantly-cocky windbaggery.

I do however support fostering a stable relationship with your ego. Allow your inner-ego-badass-superhero to sing your praise and remind you of how truly great you are. I encourage self-congratulation over self-castigation. Cultivate an appropriate degree of humility, but also be bold, be assertive, be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished.

Dance like nobody is watching – right along the edge betwixt self-confident and conceited.

Find ease with your ego. Don’t dim your shine. Instead, be the light to guide others out of the darkness.

“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.” – Ram Dass

“The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.” – Carl Jung

“Don’t wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.” – Sara Henderson

“In broaching the possibility of being, in some way, against self-criticism, we have to imagine a world in which celebration is less suspect than criticism.”- Maria Popova

Citation:*McLeod, S. A. (2016). Id, Ego and Superego. Retrieved from www.simplypsychology.org/psyche.html

Have you ever wanted something so badly you could taste it?

I mean that deep soul-level “I WANT THIS” desire. It could be a job, promotion, career change, sale, an accomplishment, a Big Goal you set for yourself. May it is fitting into those size 4 pants or landing a fully-rotated, technically-sound axel. Hell, it could even be a person.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you strangled it right out of existence?

Some things I have wanted so badly that the mere thought of it made my heart race. That soul-moving, soul-shattering, life-changing desire that makes you bite your lip, squint your eyes, and think “I’ve got to make this happen.”

These are the desires most at risk of being squeezed so hard they pop right out of grasp.

It seems counter-intuitive that the best way to secure what you want is to release your attachment to the outcome. Yet, time and time again, I have witnessed this principle at work. In that moment of surrender, the moment when your desire is imprinted onto your heart, but the attachment to the outcome is released, that is the moment you know that you can and will accept however the dice fall.

It is that release that opens up the space for the desire to manifest into your life.

I was recently obsessing over a job I want. Treating it like a kitten, just trying to squeeze the purrs right out of it. It is a part-time gig doing something that feeds my soul. I had poured time and resources into learning about the job, studying materials, even creating materials so I could feel prepared to step into the role.

Finally, in a dire moment of discomfort, it hit me that I was past the point of healthy desire and truly half-past desperate. I literally LOL’ed, then proceeded to give myself the little pep talk that could.

“Jenni, wow, just wow. You know better than this. Ask the Universe for THIS or something better. This isn’t even like you – since when do you operate without a contingency plan?”

I sent the key language of ‘this, or something better‘ to the Universe. I sucked in a deep breath and assured me that no matter the outcome, I would be okay. Then I crafted a contingency plan in my head, somewhat shocked and appalled that I had not done so sooner.

In less than a week there was forward movement on my desire. At the writing of this post, it has not yet come to full fruition – but the makings of this dream are all present.

Boldly pursue your desires. Stamp them onto your heart. Step forward, step in, step up. Take every action you can in pursuit of your dreams.

Do not surrender your desires, but surrender the outcome. Let go of the attachment to how things will unfold. Trust the Universe, It’s got your back.

“Let go of attachment of how things are supposed to look, how things are supposed to be, how things are supposed to behave. You cannot thrive inside of the old ways anymore.” – Natalie Pescetti

“Relationships – of all kinds – are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect to freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.” – Kaleel Jamison

But seriously, it’s not about you.

I use “it’s not about me” as a mantra. Not to be self-deprecating or dismissive, but as a battle cry against anxiety.

Anticipation of future events can get up in my head space. But, I take up arms against my anxiety. One combat method is to shift my focus away from myself and onto the people I serve.

A few years ago I was asked to speak on a panel about losing my brother to suicide. A big part of me gets excited to speak. I relish the opportunity to share my story and my message with an audience.

Simultaneously, a part of my gets gnashed at – as the teeth of anxiety tear into my self-confidence. For this particular event, the bulk of the anxiety centered around a specific concern (aka fear). Leading the fear-charge was what I would call “losing my sh*it” on stage. I am not a fan of crying in a public forum.  Though, I knew in my heart, at the soul-level, that I was not walking off that stage without shedding tears for all to witness.

My brother, Joey, died in April, he was also born in April. As the Fates would have it, the speaking event was in April – smack in the middle of Joey’s birth date and his Angel Day. It was not a question of whether or not I would cry, it was a question to what degree I would lose it while on display.

This sucked for me. But it sucked for the audience, too. The event was held for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. People who know grief darker and deeper than I have ever found words for. People showing up in search of something, maybe a glimmer of hope, a piece of healing. People who can empathize with my pain because they have walked a similar Journey.

And there it is. These people could benefit from something I had to say. Maybe I couldn’t reach everyone in the room. Not everyone was going to like me, or resonate with me. But I could tell them that eventually I laughed again. Eventually I could share stories about Joey without my eyes welling with tears. With conviction, I could declare that I will never get over my loss, but that I can move forward. I could show them that tears still spill even after many years, but I could also show them the strength born of loss. I could deliver a message of hope, because I live with joy again.

It wasn’t about me. It was about them.

It was about how I could best be of service to them. It was about the gratitude I felt, not because I was given a platform to shine on, but because I could stand in front of those people who had been through some shit and offer them a story of hope, offer them my tears, offer them a piece of me.

When doubts, anxieties, fears begin to gnaw at you, step back, look away from yourself. Look instead to the people who you serve. Focus on how to best be of service, how to help, how to effectuate change, how to lead well, how to offer something good to this world.

It isn’t about you – it’s about them. Go shine for them.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the services of others.”  Mahatma Gandhi

“To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.” – Douglas Adams

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” – Dalai Lama

I am not ready. 

I want it to be perfect. The procrastinator problem.

It may not be the right path. The worry woe.

I am unsure. The doubt dilemma. 

I am not ready. A lame lament.

Harsh, perhaps. 

If you are working on something that is important to you, scratching an internal itch for something you want to achieve, then you may never feel ready. You may never feel ready to step fully into the Journey, or never feel ready to share your vision or work with the world.

Taking up a challenge, answering a calling, it is difficult work. It is scary. We are human, fully equipped with doubts, fears, and uncertainties. We are also fully equipped with all the resources we will ever need to be, do, or have all that we desire. This includes the ability to find a way, or create a way. The ability to learn what needs to be learned. The ability to figure it out.

You are empowered with everything you need. All that you are, all that you have right now is enough. The skills, the drive, the desire – it is all enough.

What is it that you want? To start a business, lose weight, run a marathon, write a book, become a yoga instructor, teach a junior college course in ceramics, learn how to ice skate, adopt a special needs puppy, jump out of a perfectly good airplane? Whatever it is…

Begin. Launch. Get going.

Stop balking. The time is now.

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and Magic in it. Begin it now.” – Goethe

“Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality.” – Beverly Sills

“Doubt and delay are evidence of a disconnection from faith and courage. Do not doubt that you can be a person of greatness, nor delay the acts of strength and love that will prove it.” – Brendon Burchard

“If you have any negative recurring emotion in your life, doesn’t maturity require you to face it and say ‘hey, how do I fix this?'” – Brendon Burchard