Month: May 2016

“No situation can have a nature independent of the perception of its interpreter or independent of the rhetoric with which he chooses to characterize it.” – Richard E. Vatz, The Myth of the Rhetorical Situation

If Vatz is correct, then events have no objective meaning in themselves. Meaning is only ascribed once a situation is observed and filtered through a person’s perceptions.

I believe that all things have energy, that all things are energy. Of course tangible items like places, buildings, rooms, cats, have their own energy. Consider also that thoughts, feelings, vibes man, situations, events, et al. have their own energy as well. The sovereignty of an energetic stamp may grant everything its own objective meaning. I have no idea. This might be akin to the whole tree falls in the forest, no one is around, does it make a sound thought experiment.

Beyond any objective meaning that may or may not exist, we assign our own meaning to the situations in our lives.

Whoa – that’s a powerful assertion. We assign the meaning, positive or negative, to the situations in our lives.

When something bad happens, like losing a job, enduring a breakup, gaining 8-pounds because of that once-kicked, now-resurrected cupcake addiction, we get to choose the meaning of the situation. Losing a job can be taxing, but it could also mean a long-awaited opportunity to switch careers. Breakups suck, no doubt; however, the meaning you choose could be that ripped-wide-open, safe-haven, you-are-literally-a-piece-of-my-soul Love awaits on the post-healing horizon.

Basically, we can spin absolute sh*it into gold.

You have the power to choose the meaning of the things that happen in your life.

You have the power to reject the notion that bad things happen to you.

You have the power to assign a silver lining to any situation.

You have the power to ascribe positive meaning to your life’s events, and where you cannot find any positive meaning, you can create positive meaning. The choice is yours.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“The most powerful things we have in our lives is choice.” – Edgar Papke

“Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human.” – Viktor E. Frankl

written by Jenni

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I hold this truth to be self-evident:

When we reside in a place of gratitude, the world changes.

“The root of joy is gratefulness…

It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” – David Steindl-Rast

I believe gratitude is a key ingredient to emotional and spiritual health & wellness. Gratitude is the cornerstone for a healthy mind, body, heart, and soul.

Yes, there is a but coming…

But it is okay to not be grateful.

Wait… what? You tout gratitude as the best thing since Betty White, orcas, and a 33% lighter figure skating blade… and now you’re reneging? WTH? 

Yes, it is okay to not be grateful – sometimes.

Focusing on the positive, coming from a place of gratitude, focusing on opportunities for growth, finding the silver lining, if you will, are wonderful traits. These are powerful lessons. I contend the aforementioned lay the path to a life well lived.

However, there are times when negative emotions can get the better of us: and maybe we can be comfortable letting them. I tout gratitude, but not as a method to stuff down “negative” emotions or as a weapon against “negative” feelings.

You are entitled to your feelings. You have a right to your feelings.

Living under a self-imposed mandate of “I should feel this way,” or “I shouldn’t feel that way,” may actually be a recipe for inauthenticity.

It is okay to feel and express anger, to get pissed, to rage, to rally. It is okay to shout a battle cry of condemnation against what you perceive has wronged you.

Sweeping everything under the rug is not a solution. Do not silence your emotions on the altar of forced-gratitude or an insincere-focus on positivity. Even when your emotions are ungrateful, thankless, unappreciative – let it out.

Caveat: See It Is Okay to Lose Your Shit. “Take heed: it is not okay to lose your shit on another human. It is, however, okay to feel what is real, to release, to have a bad day, or week, or month. It is okay to throw your hands up and lose it.”

There is another but coming…

But for the love of all things great: DO NOT PIDDLE ON THE PITY POTTY.

Leave the laments once you’ve expressed yourself.  Let it out, then Move the Fu*ck On.

Return back to a place of gratitude. Return back to your core, your heart and soul, back to your true nature.

Give thanks for the lesson, even if it was anger, be grateful for what it taught you. Maybe you learned something about life, yourself, perhaps about another person.

It is okay to not be grateful – sometimes.

But then suck in a deep breath, embrace the power you have to choose your reactions, remember who you are and who you want to be. Then find that place inside of you that is grateful for the opportunities for growth inherent in disappointments, frustrations, in pain, hurt, and anger. Embody the Alchemist inside of you who transmutes the bad into good, the negatives into positives, the sh*it into gold.

“Sometimes painful things can teach us lessons that we didn’t think we needed to know.” – Amy Poehler

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” – John F. Kennedy

written by Jenni

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Ego is not a dirty word.  Freud’s enduring notion on ego pitches it as pleasure-seeking, yet rational.* Structured, solution-oriented, process-driven. Ego considers etiquette and social pressures. The ego has decision making power. It is the governing body of your personality.

A robust ego is a badass. It can keep us safe. When life, lemons, and ass*hats shake us to the core, a hearty ego keeps the foundation intact. An ego that reminds itself that “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me” is an ego that serves as its own superhero.

Oddly, we’re not allowed to celebrate a healthy ego. We are taught the importance of self-esteem and told to be confident; simultaneously, we are directed to avoid conceit and taught that pride is a sin.

How can one toe this line of conflicting messages?

I am supposed to believe in myself, but I am not supposed to be proud of my achievements?

We live in a world full of people who deflect a sincere compliment instead of saying “thank you.” A world full of I’m-Sorry-Sallys incessantly apologizing for everything: for asking questions, for interrupting and intruding, for needing something, basically apologizing for existing. A world full of Give-Away-Power-Peters cultivating the modest and meek, deferring, relinquishing.

This cannot be serving the highest good of humanity.

I do not dispute that ego can be a dirty word: egomaniac, egomaniacal, egotism. I concur that an ego the size of Texas does not serve the highest good of humanity either. I certainly do not support self-important, arrogantly-cocky windbaggery.

I do however support fostering a stable relationship with your ego. Allow your inner-ego-badass-superhero to sing your praise and remind you of how truly great you are. I encourage self-congratulation over self-castigation. Cultivate an appropriate degree of humility, but also be bold, be assertive, be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished.

Dance like nobody is watching – right along the edge betwixt self-confident and conceited.

Find ease with your ego. Don’t dim your shine. Instead, be the light to guide others out of the darkness.

“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.” – Ram Dass

“The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.” – Carl Jung

“Don’t wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.” – Sara Henderson

“In broaching the possibility of being, in some way, against self-criticism, we have to imagine a world in which celebration is less suspect than criticism.”- Maria Popova

Citation:*McLeod, S. A. (2016). Id, Ego and Superego. Retrieved from www.simplypsychology.org/psyche.html

written by Jenni

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Have you ever wanted something so badly you could taste it?

I mean that deep soul-level “I WANT THIS” desire. It could be a job, promotion, career change, sale, an accomplishment, a Big Goal you set for yourself. May it is fitting into those size 4 pants or landing a fully-rotated, technically-sound axel. Hell, it could even be a person.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you strangled it right out of existence?

Some things I have wanted so badly that the mere thought of it made my heart race. That soul-moving, soul-shattering, life-changing desire that makes you bite your lip, squint your eyes, and think “I’ve got to make this happen.”

These are the desires most at risk of being squeezed so hard they pop right out of grasp.

It seems counter-intuitive that the best way to secure what you want is to release your attachment to the outcome. Yet, time and time again, I have witnessed this principle at work. In that moment of surrender, the moment when your desire is imprinted onto your heart, but the attachment to the outcome is released, that is the moment you know that you can and will accept however the dice fall.

It is that release that opens up the space for the desire to manifest into your life.

I was recently obsessing over a job I want. Treating it like a kitten, just trying to squeeze the purrs right out of it. It is a part-time gig doing something that feeds my soul. I had poured time and resources into learning about the job, studying materials, even creating materials so I could feel prepared to step into the role.

Finally, in a dire moment of discomfort, it hit me that I was past the point of healthy desire and truly half-past desperate. I literally LOL’ed, then proceeded to give myself the little pep talk that could.

“Jenni, wow, just wow. You know better than this. Ask the Universe for THIS or something better. This isn’t even like you – since when do you operate without a contingency plan?”

I sent the key language of ‘this, or something better‘ to the Universe. I sucked in a deep breath and assured me that no matter the outcome, I would be okay. Then I crafted a contingency plan in my head, somewhat shocked and appalled that I had not done so sooner.

In less than a week there was forward movement on my desire. At the writing of this post, it has not yet come to full fruition – but the makings of this dream are all present.

Boldly pursue your desires. Stamp them onto your heart. Step forward, step in, step up. Take every action you can in pursuit of your dreams.

Do not surrender your desires, but surrender the outcome. Let go of the attachment to how things will unfold. Trust the Universe, It’s got your back.

“Let go of attachment of how things are supposed to look, how things are supposed to be, how things are supposed to behave. You cannot thrive inside of the old ways anymore.” – Natalie Pescetti

“Relationships – of all kinds – are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect to freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.” – Kaleel Jamison

written by Jenni

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But seriously, it’s not about you.

I use “it’s not about me” as a mantra. Not to be self-deprecating or dismissive, but as a battle cry against anxiety.

Anticipation of future events can get up in my head space. But, I take up arms against my anxiety. One combat method is to shift my focus away from myself and onto the people I serve.

A few years ago I was asked to speak on a panel about losing my brother to suicide. A big part of me gets excited to speak. I relish the opportunity to share my story and my message with an audience.

Simultaneously, a part of my gets gnashed at – as the teeth of anxiety tear into my self-confidence. For this particular event, the bulk of the anxiety centered around a specific concern (aka fear). Leading the fear-charge was what I would call “losing my sh*it” on stage. I am not a fan of crying in a public forum.  Though, I knew in my heart, at the soul-level, that I was not walking off that stage without shedding tears for all to witness.

My brother, Joey, died in April, he was also born in April. As the Fates would have it, the speaking event was in April – smack in the middle of Joey’s birth date and his Angel Day. It was not a question of whether or not I would cry, it was a question to what degree I would lose it while on display.

This sucked for me. But it sucked for the audience, too. The event was held for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. People who know grief darker and deeper than I have ever found words for. People showing up in search of something, maybe a glimmer of hope, a piece of healing. People who can empathize with my pain because they have walked a similar Journey.

And there it is. These people could benefit from something I had to say. Maybe I couldn’t reach everyone in the room. Not everyone was going to like me, or resonate with me. But I could tell them that eventually I laughed again. Eventually I could share stories about Joey without my eyes welling with tears. With conviction, I could declare that I will never get over my loss, but that I can move forward. I could show them that tears still spill even after many years, but I could also show them the strength born of loss. I could deliver a message of hope, because I live with joy again.

It wasn’t about me. It was about them.

It was about how I could best be of service to them. It was about the gratitude I felt, not because I was given a platform to shine on, but because I could stand in front of those people who had been through some shit and offer them a story of hope, offer them my tears, offer them a piece of me.

When doubts, anxieties, fears begin to gnaw at you, step back, look away from yourself. Look instead to the people who you serve. Focus on how to best be of service, how to help, how to effectuate change, how to lead well, how to offer something good to this world.

It isn’t about you – it’s about them. Go shine for them.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the services of others.”  Mahatma Gandhi

“To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.” – Douglas Adams

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” – Dalai Lama

written by Jenni

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